Out of Coffee
by Error401-UsernameNotFound
Summary: When the Nordics run out of coffee, the simplest solution to their problem would be to go out and buy more, right? Apparently not with these nations... (Sorry if the summary is awful) Rated T because I'm neurotic.
1. Crisis

Chapter 1

It was a normal morning in the Nordic household. Well, as normal as it could get before 9 a.m. Sweden and Norway were out, Sweden walking Hanatamago and Norway… well, nobody really knew where Norway was. They would never say it to his face, but they were thankful for that, because however violent he could be most of the time, he was _extra_ violent in the morning. _Especially _when he hadn't had at least five cups of coffee.

And it was there that the remaining Nordics, Denmark, Iceland, and Finland, ran into a problem.

They were completely out of coffee.

This might not seem like a complete crisis, but don't judge unless you've spoken to Sweden, Norway, or Denmark in the morning without them being almost high on caffeine.

Finland was the first to unearth this problem. Being an early riser, he walked (slightly zombie-like) to the kitchen, only to discover that their supply of coffee had completely, figuratively _and_ literally, run dry.

Say what you want about Finland's secret badass-ness, but the shriek he let out then was fit only for a six-year old girl.

"_Denmark! Iceland!_ Get down here!"

The two summoned countries ran into the kitchen as fast as they could, thinking that either there was a dead body in the kitchen, or Norway was smiling willingly.

As it turns out, this dilemma was worse. (Not that Norway smiling was a bad thing, but it would probably end up in him trying to strangle Denmark after he tried to take a picture.)

"We're completely out of coffee!"

"_What?_"

Yep. Certainly worse than finding a dead body in the kitchen.

"How can we be out of coffee? Didn't we just buy enough to last at least a month? It's only been a week," said Iceland.

"Apparently _some people_," said Finland, with a pointed look at Denmark, who seemed to be in shock, "are taking more than they should."

"Hey, don't look at me! I couldn't take more than my share if I tried! You know Sweden and Norge are always in the kitchen when I am and would kill me if I tried," retorted Denmark. "And besides, I didn't drink _any_ yesterday!"

"Because you were passed out on the floor, drunk."

"What's your point?"

"Alright, alright, we know that Denmark's a raging alcoholic. We're out of coffee, so obviously we should just go buy some, right?" said Iceland, attempting to break up the exchange that would almost certainly end in Denmark getting knocked out with a baking pan if left alone. "Let's just go to the store and get coffee before Norway and Sweden come back and kill us all!"

"Hey, that's a good idea, Ice! Why didn't I think of that?" exclaimed Denmark.

_Because you're an idiot_, thought Iceland.

"So, let's go! Right now! I'm not drunk enough that I don't need caffeine!"

"But… we're not dressed! And I'm not even sure that the store's even open!" reasoned Finland, trying and failing to get the spiky-haired nation out of his "determined" mood. Nice try, Finland. When coffee's involved, Denmark will go through atomic bombs and burning buildings.

"No! Right now! I _need _caffeine! Let's go!"

They started towards the door, Denmark in his deranged state, Finland walking carefully behind him, and Iceland trailing behind wondering how he even knew these people.

"Oh, by the way, Finland, I'm going to need you to drive. I had my license revoked a couple weeks ago, and I haven't really gotten around to getting it renewed yet," Denmark said with an airy tone.

Finland, on the other hand, stopped in his tracks. "D-Drive?" he stuttered. "Um, Denmark…"

"What's the problem?"

"Well, I… can't Iceland drive? You can, right, Ice?"

"I can, but… I technically don't have a license. Why don't you want to drive, Finland? You can, right?"

"Well… uh… I never actually… um… learned to drive…"

"Oh, damn."

"Iceland! Don't swear!" interjected Denmark.

"Who are you, my mother?"

"Guys! We have a bigger problem! How are we going to get coffee now?" exclaimed Finland.

"We could _bike_ to the store!" said Denmark.

"Remember what happened the last time I got on a bicycle with you? Do you want to get stuck with the hospital bills?" Iceland reminded him.

"Oh… yeah…"

"Well, I guess there's really only one thing to do," said Iceland.

"Can you clarify for me? I'm a little lost…" said the far-from-omniscient Denmark.

"We're going to teach Finland how to drive."

"Okay, do you remember where the gear shift is?"

"This is it, right?"

"Yes. Emergency brake?"

"Um… here?"

"Yep. Gas pedal?"

"He's not an idiot, Denmark!"

"I'm just making sure, Iceland. Geez, you sure aren't a morning person!"

"I will kill you and throw your remains into a volcano."

After the nations had gone through all of the necessary precautions to make sure that they wouldn't be crashing into trees anytime soon, they sped (well, maybe more like inched) out of the driveway.

Maybe they should've just walked to the store.


	2. Outlaws

Chapter 2

"Finland, brake."

"Umm… okay…"

"Brake!"

"Wait… what?"

"Brake means STOP THE CAR!"

"But how do I…"

"STEP ON THE PEDAL!"

Finland was having a few difficulties learning to drive. But, hey, at least no one's died yet, right?

Although there were some near misses.

"WATCH OUT FOR THE SQUIRREL!"

Finland jerked the steering wheel sideways, sending the vehicle and all the nations inside it into a swerve.

"OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD !"

"We're going to DIE!"

Fortunately, they didn't.

When the car stopped, everyone sat in silence for a few seconds. Of course, silence and Denmark never go well together, so of course he had to interject.

"That was AWESOME! Let's do it again!"

Iceland, meanwhile, did not have the same views. "Okay, screw this, I'm driving," he said, while struggling mightily to ignore the wild-haired country in front of him.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? You don't have a license, and if we get pulled over, that could be a problem."

"We're not going to get pulled over! And we _certainly_ will if you almost kill us again!"

"Well…"

In the end, Iceland ended up driving, and things went pretty smoothly from there. For about ten minutes.

"Iceland, there's a police car behind you."

"What?"

They pulled over. _Of course this would happen,_ Finland thought. _And I didn't even get coffee this morning._

When the car came to a stop at the side of the (thankfully deserted) road, the policeman walked up to the driver's side window. When he saw Iceland in the driver's seat, he raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you a little young to be driving?" he asked.

"I'm not as young as I look," Iceland replied smoothly.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-one."

Finland and Denmark inwardly strangled him.

"Hm. Is that right. Well, can I see your license and registration?"

"Um… well… I… don't exactly…"

"Hey, I remember you!" The patrolman had caught sight of Denmark. _Now we're definitely screwed, _thought Finland. _Anyone who recognizes Denmark and is in a position of authority can't be too happy with him._

"You're that drunk driver who was caught Thursday night! My friend Mark arrested you, you know. You're lucky you got off so easy, you know. You could've gotten off with a two-year sentence and DUI school."

"Yes, and I am so very grateful, officer," Denmark said in his best flattery voice. "I sure have learned my lesson about driving under the influence!"

It was not easy for Finland and Iceland to stay silent when he said that, especially when he attempted to look "innocent". If there's one word that _does not_ describe Denmark, it's innocent.

"Well, good. Back to the matter at hand, did you know that your taillight is cracked? That's grounds for a $150.00 fine, and for driving without a license," he looked pointedly at Iceland, who also received glares from Finland and Denmark at this, "that's another $80.00." He scribbled something on a ticket and handed it to Iceland. "You all have a nice day." He walked to his car and drove away.

All was silent between the three Nordics for a while, and then all hell broke loose.

"GODDAMMIT ICELAND! YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING TO GET PULLED OVER!"

"It's not my fault our taillight was cracked! If you hadn't swerved and almost killed us, Finland, maybe we wouldn't have gotten stopped!"

"DON'T YOU BRING ME TO BLAME ON THIS, YOU WERE DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE! AND IT WAS DENMARK WHO SHOVED ME ASIDE TO SAVE A SQUIRREL!"

"Come on, don't bring me into this! I thought we were all blaming Iceland!"

"What? Really, Denmark? Neither of you guys have licenses, either!"

"Oh…"

"Right…"

"See? Now whose fault is it, Denmark?"

"Still yours."

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

It probably didn't help that they were all irritable from caffeine withdrawal.

"So… now what?" Finland timidly interjected when he had restrained Iceland so that he wouldn't stab Denmark. "I guess we should just… go home?"

"What? No way! We came here to get coffee, and that's exactly what we're going to do, dammit! I want caffeine!" said Denmark. "We didn't go through that for nothing!"

"So… who's driving, then?"


	3. Public Awareness

Chapter 3

"Where is it? Goddammit, where is it?"

"Right here, Denmark."

"Oh."

Having remarkably made it to the supermarket unscathed, the three nations (mostly Denmark) were now having trouble locating the object of their search, coffee.

"Okay, so let's go buy it!"

"Does anyone have any money?"

"DAMMIT!"

Nordic nations are not the best at planning ahead.

"I have about… let me see… two dollars and thirty-nine cents," said Finland. "I don't think that's enough, though…"

"I have… um… eleven cents." Iceland stated. "It's six dollars, right?"

"Yep. Any luck, Denmark?"

The country in question had been frantically searching his pockets and hair (don't judge him, he could fit a porcupine in there) for loose change.

"I found… three dollars."

"_Please_ tell me you didn't find any money in your hair."

"… Do you really want to know the answer?"

No, no one really did.

"We're still fifty cents short!" said Finland, whose mental math skills remained impressive. "So, what do we do now? Beg on street corners?"

"We could steal it!" said Denmark.

"Are you insane? We're in enough trouble with the law as it is!" said Iceland hotly.

"Most of which was your fault."

"Do you really want to go there? I've got a puffin that will peck your eyes out."

"And I've got an axe, so bring it on!"

"Guys, stop it! We're done with that!" exclaimed Finland, a bit exasperated that this was not the first time today that he was stopping these two from killing each other. "We've got bigger problems." Wow, he was starting to sound like a broken record.

"I've got another idea! Let's just look around on the floor for change!" said Denmark excitedly.

This idea was not well received, but in the end, that was what they ended up doing. And let it be known that three people running around a store and hunting for something on the floor in pajamas at nine in the morning are going to attract some funny looks.

"Mommy, why is he looking at the floor?" a little girl asked her frazzled father as she witnessed Iceland searching under the shelves.

"I don't know, sweetie, and I'm your father, not your mother." he sighed.

"But he's not even dressed!"

"Okay, did anyone find anything?" Denmark asked the group at large. "I found about three cents."

"Thirteen cents, not including multiple dust bunnies and some things that I _don't_ want to mention." replied Iceland, shuddering.

"And I found nine cents. So we're still twenty-five cents short," said Finland. "How are we going to get the rest?"

"OH! I know, I know!" exclaimed Denmark.

"Wow, Denmark, you're really coming up with a lot of ideas today!" said Finland happily.

"Yeah, are you okay?"

"I know, right?" said Denmark, ignoring Iceland's comment. "So, does anyone want to hear my idea?"

"Enlighten us, demon Dane."

Iceland has been associating with Norway entirely too much.

"You know how people on T.V. always ask for donations for some disease? Why don't we go up to people and ask them for money for… some cause?"

"Doesn't that sound a bit dishonest?" Silly Finland. When coffee is at stake, Denmark will do anything. Not to mention Norway will be even more violent towards him if he's not hyped up on caffeine.

"Well, I'm all for it," said Iceland. "But we can't all go up to one person. It'll freak them out."

"Good idea, Ice." replied Denmark, smirking at him. "I say we elect a spokesperson."

"Okay, so who?"

"Just for the record, I do _not_ approve of this plan anymore," grumbled Iceland, who was currently glaring at the two smiling nations in front of him. "Why did it have to be me, anyway?"

"Because _you_ were the one who said that we shouldn't all go up to someone at once," replied Denmark, trying desperately to hide his amusement. "Plus, you're the youngest, so you'll be less intimidating."

"Are you kidding me? In what world is Finland intimidating?"

"Hey, don't bring me into this!"

After the Nordics had resolved their disagreement and blackmailed Iceland into being their spokesperson (with what information, well, It would be against their agreement if you knew), all they had to do was choose their victim.

"Um… hello, sir… are you aware of the effects of… uh… scoliosis… on today's modern society?" Iceland asked the unsuspecting young man that Finland and Denmark had picked as their victim. Denmark, meanwhile, was laughing so hard that he was afraid that he was going to rupture something behind a shelf. Finland was laughing as well, but he at least took consideration and tried to hide it.

"I'm really not interested," the man said.

"But what about all the people who are suffering? You know, all it takes is the donation of a few cents to make a difference." Iceland could be a pretty good actor when he set his mind to it. And coffee was a cause worth fighting for.

"Um… I…" the man winced. This kid was really persistent. This was like an infomercial, only he couldn't change the channel, and Iceland was really starting to make him feel guilty.

"You can help ease the suffering of millions of innocent… um… children if you donate now! This disease is fatal, by the way. And extremely painful." Iceland added as an afterthought.

"Tell you what, kid, I'll give you fifty dollars if you just leave me alone."

"Deal." Iceland mentally rejoiced. "And have a nice day."

* * *

Yay! Three chapters in three days! And this one's almost 1,000 words! (Not including the rambling AN...) Thank you to AllyMCainey for reviewing and doing a bunch of other stuff that I'm too lazy to list here! You make me happy!

On a completely unrelated note, out of all the hurricanes that I've been through, not one of them has gotten me off school! Hooray! Even though I'm probably going to lose power... oh, well...

Also, I know that scoliosis is not fatal or extremely painful (well, I know it's not fatal, but I've never had it, so I don't know how painful it is, sorry if I offended anyone), I was just stuck for a disease and thought it'd be funny.

Finally, sorry if I made Iceland seem like a little bit of a jerk in this chapter. He's irritable from caffeine withdrawal (I feel your pain, Iceland.)

Review please! Do it for the poor scoliosis-stricken children!


	4. Nomads

Chapter 4

"I swear, Ice, the next time I need money, I'm calling you!" Denmark exclaimed.

"I am _never_ doing something like that again. That was _humiliating._" Iceland said bitterly, angry at how Denmark was still dwelling on that episode. "Just drop it, alright?"

"But you-"

"_Drop. It._"

The three Nordics, having paid for as much coffee as they could carry, were heading out to where they had parked their car. Finland, having detected a tense silence after Iceland had yelled at Denmark, was rambling on and on about nothing. They were walking peacefully for about thirty seconds when, as was becoming a pattern, something went wrong.

"Hey- where's our car?" Finland interrupted himself. "It was just here when we went in!"

"Well, it's not now. Someone must have stolen it," said Iceland, the ever-optimistic.

"Or it could've… well, maybe… or possibly…" Denmark tried to come up with an alternative, but failed. "Yeah, it got stolen."

"Okay, everyone stay calm!" said Finland, who was the only one who was freaking out. "It's got to be here somewhere. Cars don't just disappear!"

"No, but they _do _get stolen."

This earned a certain silver-haired Nordic country a smack upside the head.

"Let's go look for it!"

"Finland, you're not making any sense. There's barely _anyone_ in the parking lot, there's nowhere else the car could be, and furthermore, what exactly do you think happened to it? Like you said, cars don't just disappear!" Iceland was becoming indignant.

"So, let's just say that someone stole our car. How exactly are we going to get home?"

"We could walk!"

"Are you out of your mind, Denmark? It's miles!" said Finland, who was so far past being tolerant that it was a miracle that he was even standing.

"Alright, how about this? We can hitchhike! I saw it in a movie once!" Denmark said excitedly.

"Yes, and I saw a movie once where these guys robbed a bank and murdered someone," said Iceland.

"Iceland, we don't need to put murder in _anyone's_ mind," said Finland hurriedly, trying to defuse what was quickly becoming WWIII.

"All right, this is ridiculous," he continued. "Let's start off walking, and then, if we really need to, we'll hitchhike."

This solution, while not exactly being the most desirable, ended up being the one that invoked the fewest murderous thoughts, so it was chosen in the end. Unfortunately, even the most random things lying by the side of the road could give Denmark an excuse to annoy the hell out of anyone near him.

And equally as unfortunately, the two nations near him happened to be in bad moods from caffeine withdrawal, not to mention Iceland's temper in the first place.

"Hey, guys! Guys! Look at this pebble I found!" exclaimed Denmark, having gone about thirty seconds without saying _anything._

"What's so remarkable about it?"

"Well, it's, like, three different colours! That's… more than two!"

Denmark was getting delusional; he was going through caffeine withdrawal _and_ he hadn't had beer for almost thirty-six hours.

"Yeah, good math, Denmark."

Iceland was too tired to care at this point.

They continued in this fashion for about fifteen minutes, which seemed like quite some distance to the travellers, but was apparently not even a mile.

Of course, when the frazzled and tired countries found this out, some mild hell went down.

"FJANDINN!"

Iceland was starting to lose it.

However, the saving grace appeared when someone pulled over and offered the three Nordics a ride, most likely out of pity.

And that someone was none other than the Republic of Korea.


	5. Consequences

"So… how're you guys doing?"

The awkwardness in this situation was almost tangible.

Finland, Iceland, and Denmark, having accepted Korea's offer to drive them home, were now sitting in silence, squashed in the Asian nation's very small car.

"We're fine…"

Finland tried in vain to break the silence, but was having trouble finding a topic that would make any sense whatsoever.

"So, what are you doing in Scandinavia, Korea? I'm guessing it's not on your usual route, right?" Score 1 for Finland.

"Oh, I'm just driving through on my way to America! He told me there was a bar in his country where the waitresses wear less clothes than Ukraine when she's drunk, and I have to check that out!"

"Oh… okay…" Finland and Iceland blushed and dropped the subject, but Denmark looked interested.

"Seriously? Do they…" he trailed off at a withering look from Finland.

The awkward silence returned.

After a few minutes of deafening silence, Korea spoke.

"Do you guys mind if I turn on the radio? This silence is getting really awkward."

_Thank you, God_ thought every Nordic but Denmark, who throughout all these endeavors was still not entirely sure what was going on.

He switched the radio on. As he did, the entire car was flooded with sounds so loud that it's a wonder that all the nations in the car weren't completely deaf. They came close, though.

"SHIT! SORRY!" Korea screamed, adding to the already overwhelming noise.

"TURN IT DOWN!" yelled Finland, who was teetering on the edge of madness already.

"OH, YEAH! I FORGOT!"

This guy was starting to make Denmark look mildly intelligent.

He turned the radio down, and all the countries started to regain their hearing. Iceland, however, was having a little more trouble in that respect, and was still hearing things like they were coming from under water.

And, as fate was apparently having fun screwing the Nordics today, something happened.

Clarification?

Gangnam Style came on.

"Aw, man! This is my _song!_" Korea, of course knowing the entire song verbatim, started singing along.

"What?" said Iceland, who was still slightly deaf.

"Nothing, Ice. Just ignore it."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"_What?_ Not to be a hypocrite, but you need to talk louder, Finland."

Sighing, Finland decided to give up on this battle. Which was a smart move, considering a new one was about to begin.

Because that's when Korea started _dancing._

While _driving._

Which is not entirely _possible._

"Korea, _what are you doing?_ You're going to crash!" Finland yelled, panic-stricken.

"AAAAAAAAAAAYY SEXY LADY!" sang the Asian nation, either ignoring Finland or not hearing him.

"Dude, we're going to crash! Seriously, this is going to be the second time today!" Denmark yelled, which was not that much louder than his normal volume.

Miraculously (for everyone's sake, we'll skip to the end of the song), the party stayed on course, mysteriously unscathed. Mentally, well, that's another matter, but it's the fact that they didn't crash that matters in this situation.

Everything was going well.

For about two minutes.

Because, you know, nothing good ever has to happen to these three today.

Korea drove in silence, after accepting that his song and dance routine had mentally scarred everyone in the car.

Until, of course, a squirrel ran into the road.

And, of course, Korea _freaked out._

"AAAH! WHAT THE HELL!" he screamed, crazily swerving to the side. It seemed more like he was scared of the squirrel itself than of hitting it.

"IT'S JUST A SQUIRREL! CALM DOWN!" yelled Finland, almost as loudly.

The car tipped dangerously. "OHMYGOD, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Korea exclaimed, abandoning all rational behavior and just screaming loudly.

"Seriously? How the hell are you afraid of squirrels? China eats them!" Denmark was not too scared to be an idiot, of course. A nuclear bomb wouldn't make a dent in his irritating personality.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your perspective, his rant was interrupted by the car flipping over.

_Of course that would happen. _At this point, the Nordics weren't even shocked anymore.

Once everyone got out of the car, thanks to Finland's shrieks of "EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE CAR NOW!", there was an awkward silence that will forever go down in history as one of the most awkward silences in history, right after the time when Norway walked in on Denmark cuddling with his axe.

Iceland, surprisingly, was the one to break that silence.

"Um… I think we should walk the rest of the way."

* * *

"So, let me get this straight. You woke up, realized we were out of coffee, attempted to teach Finland to drive, got ticketed, Iceland, I'll deal with you later, almost crashed, begged some random person for money, got coffee, hitchhiked, almost crashed _again_, and walked the remaining five miles back here?" Norway was partially in shock and partially really, really impressed. But of course, since he was Norway, he didn't show it.

"Well, at least we got coffee! And let's be honest, Norway, how pissed off would you be if you couldn't have caffeine?" Iceland unsuccessfully tried to make his brother less angry than he already was. Unfortunately, "unsuccessfully" was the perfect adjective to describe his reasoning.

"I DON'T CARE! You all could've been killed!"

"So, what you're saying, Norge, is that you would've missed me if I had died!" Ah, there's nothing like an irritating Denmark to make an angry Norway even angrier.

"Idiot. If you had died because of your own stupidity then you would have deserved it."

"Aw, come on, Norge! You don't really mean that!"

Norway did not feel that that falsely incredulous statement deserved a response.

"Well, anyway, Norway, we're all safe now, and we do have coffee, so everything's all right, right?" Finland said, back to being cheerful probably because he was just happy to be alive.

"Hm. True. And you do have coffee, right?"

"Hell yeah! We got a ton, Norge!"

"Then where is it?"

"Good question…"

"Wait, did we leave it at…"

"Oh, shit."

"_Iceland!"_

"_Sorry!"_

All that can be said about that morning was that the events that happened only benefitted South Korea, who walked away from the crash (they were nations, after all) with five pounds of coffee.

Of course, he also had a totaled car, so it didn't really make up for anything.

* * *

Woot! It's done! My little baby is all grown up! *sniffle*

Yeah, maybe I'm not that sad, but oh, well.

So, this is my first fic, so tell me what you think! I know it is kind of crack, but I think crack is funny, just not so much that you can't understand what the hell the story's about.

This is my second-longest chapter (I think). 1,049 words, not counting this. Yay!

Sorry it took me so long to update, school is being a bit of a bitch lately. Fun with midterms! Plus, I'm a huge procrastinator.

So... yeah. I don't like to beg for reviews, but I notice that people that do usually get a lot more reviews. So, review please! If you do, Romano will dance to salsa music with the BTT!

(Yeah, not really. But I'd LOVE to see that...)

And (one more thing, I'll put you out of your misery soon, guys, I promise) I'm really sorry that I called Denmark an idiot, irritating, annoying, etc... so many times. I actually like Denmark (he's not my favorite, but he's funny), and I just did that because I needed to explain some of his behavior, and those adjectives seemed to fit in. Plus, he is kind of annoying.


End file.
